Do anything you wanna do

Is there a hole in your bucket? Do you sometimes feel that no matter what you fill your life with, you’re never quite… happy… satisfied… content?

Psychologists generally agree that the most important factor in happiness (after food and shelter and all that malarkey) is having positive relationships. We seem to instinctively know this and therefore naturally strive to be a part of something: a social group, a romantic partnership.

But do you sometimes find yourself in situations where you feel you ought to pretend to be something in order to “fit in” with those around you, for them to like and accept you? Do you feel inclined to behave a certain way that doesn’t quite sit with you, wear a style of clothing you don’t particularly want to wear, or even live your life by rules that you don’t quite agree with, in order to be accepted into a certain social group or in order to attract or keep a romantic partner?

You most likely came across negative group pressure from a very early age. A child is picked on for being different and the other children feel they must join in the bullying in order to fit in. Maybe the bullied child was you or maybe you were a bully or maybe you just stood by and watched it happen knowing it was wrong but not wishing to be ostracised. When you were older perhaps you were persuaded to smoke, have sex or skive off school because the other kids were doing it.

As an adult perhaps you feel obligated to fit into a stereotype or role. Isn’t it time you bought a house of your own? Shouldn’t you be a manager at work by now? When are you going to get married and have children? Doesn’t someone who lives in a house like yours usually own a 4x4? UGG boots/camel coats/trilby hats are what everyone is wearing now, you need to go shopping… Probably nobody has said any of this to you outright but when you look around and this is what “everyone” in your peer group is doing, surely you’re expected to do the same. Right? ... Right? No! Of course it’s not right. (I know you knew this.)

If you find yourself comparing your life to that of others, and we all do it a bit sometimes, stop it! Stop worrying about what you think you should be doing. What someone else is doing isn’t necessarily right for you. Heck, it may not even be right for them! Of course it’s natural to want to fit in and be accepted because it makes us feel happy but only when we’re being accepted for who we really are. Those quality people who truly care about us are not worrying about what car we’re driving or whether it’s time we got a promotion but ONLY about our wellbeing. They want to spend time with us because they like us, not some pseudo personality we’ve adopted to fit in. If people want to be with you for artificial reasons that’s not real friendship and cannot be counted as a positive relationship; you can bet your boots if you found yourself in hospital they wouldn’t be waiting at the ward door at five-to-visiting time with a bottle of Lucozade.

In order to attract positive relationships we must be true to ourselves. Take some time to think about what things are important to YOU and take small steps to draw them into your life. If you think it’s not “the norm” so what? So you like trainspotting/taxidermy/going to raves in neon lycra – then get on with it! When you scratch the surface of some of the people you think you know, I guarantee you’ll find a bit of a weirdo underneath their “normal” veneer. Someone who doesn’t fit the mould; isn’t the same as everyone else, in spite of what they might have you believe. And that’s because we are all the same in that we are all individual.

I used to know a girl called Diane Bowers who had a saying, “You’re weird if you’re not a bit weird.” Isn’t that a great saying? Eight words that speak volumes. One of my interpretations is that she finds you strange if she is unable to properly connect with you because you’re covering up your true self; the things that may be a bit different, that make you YOU.

So if, like psychologists say, the most important factor in happiness is having positive relationships and if, like Diane says, it’s impossible to properly connect with someone who is hiding their true self, then doesn’t it follow that the only way you’ll ever be truly happy is to be your true self? I think it does, ya weirdo. ;o)

ALAN! Who the f**k is Alan?!

You know what a Mexican wave is, right? Where the crowd in a stadium creates a wave effect by standing up and raising their arms then sitting down again, in turn? Well, I found a different version of this at The Big Chill festival this weekend.

I can only imagine it all started when someone wandered off from his group of friends and they were trying to get his attention to rejoin them. It probably began with one friend shouting, “Alan!” and when Alan didn’t hear the others joined in. Passers by, thinking it would be either helpful or amusing joined in too and for some reason this caught on and, in no time, people throughout the entire festival were shouting, “Alan!” just once each which created a wave of sound rippling through the crowds, even reaching the far corners of the campsite.

But it didn’t just happen once. Every now and again somebody would start the Alan game again and within a minute or two it had rippled around the festival grounds, each of us yelling, “Alan!” at the top our of voices and then collapsing into laughter and, like a baby playing peek-a-boo or a dog chasing a stick, we didn’t tire of it and it was fun every single time, even at 3am, tucked up in our sleeping bags, trying to sleep; we’d hear the Alan wave approach, yell, “Alan!” then there’d be giggling from all the surrounding tents. Genius.

But it begs the question: Why did we join in?

Because it allowed us to be silly and childish and playful without the fear of being frowned upon
Because each of us aches to belong and feel connected and this daft game connected us almost instantly to 30,000 people
Because sitting in the countryside and yelling at the top of our lungs is brilliant stress relief

How often are we allowed to shout? Not often really if at all and it’s only a sidestep from singing (loudly!) which we can sometimes get away with.

So, what have we got here?

Silliness – by letting go of our inhibitions
Connectedness – by joining in with others
Stress relief – by letting go of our voices

This reminds me of the famous quote (which I happen to have on my Facebook page):

“Dance as though no-one is watching
Love like you’ve never been hurt
Sing as though no-one can hear you
Live as though heaven is on earth.”

Thanks, Alan. (Whoever you are!)

Lisa's top ten happy tips

This is not an extensive list by any means but, when I start to feel blue, this is my checklist. I hope it's useful to you... x

1 Get to bed
You must get enough sleep – without it, everything feels wrong. Aim for at least five sleep cycles per night. A sleep cycle is about 90 minutes, so that’s at least 7.5 hours.

2 Eat your greens
They make you feel - and look - so much better. You need to be having at least three portions of vegetables a day, and at least two portions of fruit. Fruits with happy-inducing stuff are bananas and kiwi fruit. Other happy foods are mung beans, asparagus, pineapple, ginger, lemongrss, spinach, blackberries, soybeans, sunflower seeds and tofu.

3 Go outside
The sunshine gives you vitamin D which helps to make you happy and healthy. You need at least 10 minutes in the sunshine every day. It doesn’t work through your coat so show some skin.

4 Take a hike
Or run, cycle, swim, play on your Wii, get off the bus two stops early… Whatever it takes to get your heart rate up so you’re a bit out of breath, for 15 minutes, three times a week. Exercise releases hormones which improve your mood.

5 Love thy neighbour
Do something nice for someone else (hold the door open for someone, make a colleague a cup of tea, help a harassed mother off the bus with a pram…) without expecting anything in return, just for the joy it gives you to do a selfless act.

6 Take time out
Take 30 minutes every day to completely relax. Read your book, have a bath, listen to some music, go and sit in a coffee shop, go have a massage/manicure… without interruption. Do something relaxing for yourself, on your own, every day.

7 Have a comedy moment
Comedy is a great mood booster, so watch humourous TV, read a funny book, or call/spend time with a friend who makes you laugh; it’ll help to lighten your mood.

8 Love and be loved
Spend some time at least a couple of times a week with people you know love and appreciate you. If you can't be with them, get them on the phone.

9 Appreciate the good stuff
It’s too easy to focus on the bad stuff, so an easy way to focus on the good stuff is to keep a happy book. A small book in which you write three things a day which have gone well, e.g. I got a seat and a Metro on the train, I’m having a good hair day, a friend texted to ask how I am. Doesn’t have to be a lottery win. Try it for a week, you’ll be amazed at your change in perspective.

10 Have a word with yourself
You don’t have to be the best of the best to be wonderful, you’re already wonderful; you’re a special, unique package of all the things that make you YOU. Keep reminding yourself that you deserve to be happy.