Lisa's Life Lessons

Become one

2012-01-10T07:33:00.000-08:00

Bleedin' Nora, could I ever wait for the power cut to cease so I can share this golden nugget with you..!!

Some of you may know that very occasionally I receive profound little messages during meditation. It's never while I'm thinking (I try really bloody hard not to!) and it's never about something which I've been previously considering - it just appears out of nowhere and leaves me a bit shocked. In a good way.

This morning's bolt from the blue told me: we are all here to learn, awaken, evolve, to a higher level of consciousness so that eventually we will all see what we're part of, which is one universal consciousness. The image in my head showed us moving upward to join a huge, white astral light which felt enormously joyous and contented, like finally coming home.

Then as I sat, taking this in, eyes wide open with shock, another wave explained further: when an individual stops evolving and awakening, they becomes sick and die, as they are no longer fulfilling their purpose for existence. They will then be transferred to a new existence in order to continue their journey toward universal consciousness.

I mean, WTF?! This is not something I consciously believe (particularly - I'm not sure what I believe) or have been thinking about AT ALL. It just came to me in images and then in words while I sat there trying not to think about how cold my hands were.

Later, still a little in shock so steadying my nerves with a packet of Spanish Tomato Tango Lays crisps (I needed the sugar) and warming my hands on a cuppa tea, it dawned on me that this is why we spend our lives yearning to belong - because fundamentally we do but most of us are just not aware of it yet.

Which brought strongly to mind, and added a whole new depth to the quote by Thich Nhat Hanh, "We are here to awaken from our illusion of separateness."

8 simple rules

2012-01-08T01:26:00.000-08:00

Even though I quit the course at Kopan Monastery because I didn't get along with the teacher's style (!) I certainly wasn't ready to dismiss Buddhism in its entirety and so, after leaving the yoga ashram, I sat a three day Buddhism course at a small centre in Pokhara, and what an altogether different experience, and not only because I made it to the end. The monk-teacher was an "opinionated American" (thank you, Andy) as well as a critical thinker whose style really appealed to me and made me wish he'd taught the month-long course at Kopan as I might have enjoyed it, stayed and learnt something!

Anyway, my point is that, regardless of any bits of Buddhism I disagree with, it has some solid philosophies at its foundation that are useful tools to understanding happiness.

In Buddhism there's something called "The Four Noble Truths" and they go like this:

1) There is suffering
2) There are reasons for suffering
3) It's possible to make suffering stop
4) There's a path you can follow to make suffering stop.

Point four is made up of "the eightfold path" which is a list of tangible ways to stop suffering. It's a brilliant list and I don't doubt it works but I don't think it's exhaustive in itself and I feel it can be made more relevant and straight-forward for us regular people.

And that's why I'm in the East, doing courses, reading, meditating, thinking, talking to spiritual people, trying to get to the bottom of it so I can cut to the chase, write it in plain English and bring it home. (Did you know that, by the way? I'm not, as a paraglider I met recently suggested, "having a midlife crisis". Or if I am, I've been having one since I was nine.)

I've narrowed down my findings to a few main points, all of which I aim to explain in full in due course as, obviously, the "hows" are just as important as the "whats".

Meantime, for your perusal, here are the WHATS...

Firstly, there's a bunch of things we need to know. I'll call them "The Four Plain Truths":

1) The cause of our suffering is because of our untrained mind. The more we train the mind in the right way, the less we'll suffer.

2) Everything we do has an effect. Every action and interaction with a person, an animal, even an inanimate object has an effect both on ourself and them that can be positive, neutral or negative. We may not be here for a long time but what we do perpetuates and may stick around long after we've gone.

3) Pleasure is not true happiness. Pleasure is temporary, whereas true happiness is a deep, peaceful contentment that lasts.

4) Religion works as a technique, not just a belief system. We can't know for certain about past and future lives, ghosts and gods, etc. but that's not to say that all religion is bullshit. A lot of people have found true inner peace through following the rituals of religion but they don't have to believe or understand every word to do so; it can work just as effectively as a technique to attain lasting happiness (as long as we also follow "The Four Simple Instructions" - see below).

And then there's a bunch of things we need to do. Let's call them "The Four Simple Instructions":

1) Be kind to everyone and everything equally, INCLUDING OURSELF! Those of us with low self-worth need to work on it as negative thoughts and beliefs stop us from ever being at peace, and harm both us and those around us.

2) Be present in everything we do. When working, concentrate on working. When socialising, keep the mind right there with our friends. If we're with our family, don't let our thoughts wander off to something we did earlier or will be doing later.

3) Accept what we don't have control over, and that change is inevitable. When things are going well we hope it'll always be that way, and in difficult times we hope it'll pass. Nothing at all stays the same, things change, life moves on and the best way to handle that is to accept it as we sure as heck can't stop it.

4) Trust the universe and flow with life. Let go of "should" and "must", stop worrying about whether it'll make you rich or popular or whether it's scary or impractical, and follow the path of your heart.

Because of our conditioning (everything we've been told by our parents, teachers, peers and society from the day we were born) The Four Plain Truths can be hard to accept and The Four Simple Instructions can seem anything but easy, yet they ARE possible; the next level of my quest is to explain the HOWS...

Yoga school drop-out (no graduation day for me)

2011-12-23T22:23:00.000-08:00

It wasn't the most promising start. "Oh, dear," the landlady of the ashram looked up at me pityfully from the dietary requirements section of my registration form. "Veggan? That is how you say? No milk, no butter, no cream, no cheese, no egg, no honey," she read from my form. "Curd?" she tried, weakly. I shook my head. "Oh dear," she said again.

"I can't be the first," I began, in my defence. "Almost everyone I know who does yoga is vegan and this is an ashram..." She clasped her hands, shook her head and closed her eyes like I was delivering bad news about a relative. "We will think of something but breakfast real problem," she said solemnly. "Toast! I have my own peanut butter..." I blurted optimistically, as I followed her upstairs to my room.

"Do you use toilet paper?" she asked as I checked out the bathroom. "I'm sorry?" I questioned, sticking my head around the door. "Do you use toilet paper?" she repeated, nodding her head toward the squat toilet. "I'm not sure I understand. Toilet paper as opposed to what?" "Well, if you do, please put it in the bin and not in the toilet," she instructed, matter of factly, ignoring my question. "Do some people not use it?" I asked, genuinely confused. "We don't, we use water," the landlady shrugged. "But then you're all wet, you know, underneath. What do you dry with?" "We have a small cloth in the bathroom..." "I see," I nodded slowly, whilst making a mental note to never, ever use the hand towel in a Nepalese bathroom.

The morning yoga was a little too much pranayama (breathing exercises) for my liking and the evening yoga, although good, was conducted outside in an area surrounded by trees and therefore saw me constantly yanking down my sleeves and trouser legs, hoping to avoid mosquito bites - so I never really relaxed into it.

I just couldn't bring myself to join in with the neti cleansing conducted in the area I mentally referred to as "the snot garden". The less said about that the better. *shudder*

I came into myself for daily chanting, though. I was happy sitting in a circle, eyes closed, chanting musical mantras while some shook tambourines and bells and others banged drums. That was my favourite bit - music makes me feel connected.

The meditation needed mixing up a bit in my opinion. I know it's not meant to be interesting but it was the same technique twice a day which started to become monotonous. A bit of Osho style Bollywood dancing would've pleased me enormously but alas so-hum-ing with prayer beads were as much fun as we were allowed.

As all courses (lasting anything from one day to several weeks) begin on any day you fancy, every meal time consisted of the EXACT same conversation with the day's new faces: Where are you from? Where've you been? Where are you going next? How long are you staying? Have you been trekking/paragliding? After all that there was no time for deeper conversation and by day three I stopped wishing to communicate entirely, was very likely considered rude and moody (for which I actually didn't give a shit) and began resenting the fact that it wasn't a silent retreat.

It was a complete pain in the arse facing the daily barrage of questions about veganism when it was noticed I wasn't given the milky breakfast products but was instead presented with an apple and a banana and so I found myself either giving short answers like "everything else" when asked what I eat if not meat and dairy or worse still, saying I'm sick of the questions and don't want to talk about it. (It gets you that way when you're forced to talk about it three times a day.)

But the final straw came on the one day there was toast (halelujah!). Everyone was given cheese toasties and when I asked for plain toast got told there wasn't any bread left. Other than scowling at my apple and banana, I managed to internalise my tantrum, decided I'm not cut out for prison life, grabbed my rucksack and jar of peanut butter and sodded off down to Lakeside to find a drop-in yoga class. And some toast.

Tea and simplicity

2011-12-11T00:08:00.000-08:00

Patient: "Doctor, doctor, every time I drink tea I get a sharp pain in my eye."
Doctor: "Have you tried removing the spoon?"

(It'd be unsurprising to learn that the doctor prescribed painkillers but that's another discussion.)

It can take a different perspective to see that something as obvious as removing the spoon - generally not considered harmful to health! - from our cup of tea can save us unnecessary pain. And it's an alternative to mainstream Western culture that will offer the path to a life of less suffering.

If you're wondering, "What's missing?" it's doubtful you'll find the answer. Instead, turn the question on its head and ask, "What's surplus?" It's much more likely pondering this question will point you toward the right path.

2011-12-03T06:54:00.000-08:00

"If you love someone, set them free. Starting with yourself."
~ Lisa Cherry Beaumont, 2011

Kopan strategies

2011-11-14T06:06:00.000-08:00

"Two toilets and one shower for HOW many people?" I enquired, certain I'd misheard. The receptionist monk counted on his fingers again, then looked skyward as he did a quick calculation to be sure he'd got it right. "Twenty," he confirmed, "five rooms of four on your floor." I winced, imagining the endless queue of greasy-haired, cross-legged women outside the communal bathroom at 4:30 every morning. "Is that enough?" I checked. "Never had any complaints," he shrugged neutrally and looked at me patiently for my next question.

With that knowledge, and having heard earlier that the food is "watery porridge, sometimes there's bread, and chips and oily fried vegetables; it's the same every day" I felt my tiara slip past my ears and tighten around my neck and so decided I'd best not ask anything else and just wait and see.

I really needn't have worried about the facilities and the food. After a day or two of settling in I was used to sharing a loo and my showers being a terrifying splash of icy cold water and got myself three of the loveliest roomies I could have hoped for. And the woman who spectacularly misinformed me about the food? Well, I wished her lovingkindness when we passed on the stairs, like a good little Buddhism student. Unfortunately this is where my excellence as a Buddhism student seemed to end.

In spite of warming quickly to the environment, the routine and the people, it was a damn struggle to sit still on the floor of that gompa (meditation hall) and concentrate on nothing more than my breathing for an hour at a time. I could last 20 minutes before changing the position of my legs/cushions/blanket every 5 minutes thereafter, and I was so nosy! I bet his feet are cold with no socks on. I wonder how she did that with her hair. Has anyone got their eyes open? Is the teacher meditating? Her cushion matches her skirt. Are there the same number of coloured blocks in each of the ceiling squares? I'd better count them. Pen lid on, pen lid off, pen lid on, pen lid off... The difficulty of long periods of almost completely unguided meditation was too much for my monkey mind - by session three I'd mentally decorated my houseboat and decided it needs a decent oven and a serving hatch on the side through which I can sell my vegan fayre to canal strollers.

But the meditations improved once were given something to focus on and became a walk through rainbows compared to the teachings. I'll be frank: I found them ambiguous, unfounded, and littered with "scientific" anecdotes that were irrelevant or exaggerated at best; contradictory or wildly inaccurate at worst. And I had to sit, quietly gasping in shock, seething inside, without the opportunity to question or challenge any of it. And that wasn't all that was yanking my chain.

Before each class we'd to recite various mantras (prayers) and half the people (those who come back year after year - to a beginners course? You've got to wonder why) perform a set of prostrations that are like praying and then putting your head on the floor - something to do with letting go of your ego. What I struggled with was, if Buddhism is an atheistic religion, who are they praying to? It was acknowledged that this was confusing many of us but we were quickly "reassured" with, "Shut up and say your prayers". Yes, it was said half in jest but, at the same time, it didn't come with any explanation, which did not sit well with me at all; that's nothing more than dogma! As one student said, "I was brought up a Catholic - this kind of stuff makes me shudder."

Thankfully I wasn't alone in my dissatisfaction. Several people I spoke to were in strong agreement. As one confused student said to me, "Praying to Buddha doesn't make sense." Another decided to stay and follow the meditations only but sit out of the teaching classes. I too considered sticking it out, taking from it what I could and disregarding the bits I didn't agree with but that would have meant disregarding the majority of what was being taught - what would be the point? The food was great but not reason enough to stay a month.

And so after careful consideration I decided that the course was not for me. I kissed goodbye my favourite monastery dog - the one who likes to lean on you, that I nicknamed Cheeky Chops - and, along with several other disillusioned students, I left the monastery to seek a more real and tangible path to genuine, attainable happiness.

World inside my head

2011-10-15T16:15:00.000-07:00

As you probably know, I'm fascinated by what makes us happy and so that comes, hand in hand, with an interest in what's preventing us from being happy - kind of stands to reason, really. Therefore, ever since a few friends - some of them relatively sane - have sung the praises of past life regression therapy I've been intrigued to know more and when I heard of a workshop being run locally for a tenner, obviously I was on it like a car bonnet.

And so I rocked up at Brunel Museum in Rotherhithe on a Tuesday night sporting an open mind and leggings (I had a sense some of this would take place on a yoga mat). The evening was led by Doug Buckingham, a therapist whom I've met at various workshops and who looks and behaves, well, normal. He doesn't wear an Afghan coat and sandals, has no visible tattoos and can hold intelligent conversation. Put it this way, if you took him home to meet your mother she'd nod approvingly. (Well, right up until the point you tried to explain what he does.)

Doug explained what past life regression is, the different theories of how it works, how he came to it himself and he told us stories of (anonymous) case studies. We were helped to relax with a short meditation and were encouraged to ask questions. We were then offered the chance to experience a taste of past life regression, and out came the yoga mats and blankets.

Comfortable on the floor, we were led on a hypnotic journey into our subconscious and encouraged to discover one of our positive past life experiences - well, we didn't want to go digging up something negative in a group workshop; can you imagine? And so I stepped out of a large country house into a rose garden, a four year old girl with long curly blonde hair and bare feet, and was sucked into a colourful ball of energy above the fountain. Moments later I emerged as a wrinkly Native American grandmother with great hair and terrible teeth. I was wearing trousers and a waistcoat made from animal hide.

I found myself standing by a huge lake surrounded by tall trees. I felt calm. Beside me was a small fishing boat, and a little boy probably five years old, with big dark eyes and straight black hair - my Grandson! Looking down at my hands I could see small arrowheads and I was threading something onto a fishing wire. When Doug asked us to imagine ourselves demonstrating the skills we had at the time, I was sewing shoes. We were then asked to go to a later happy occasion in the same lifetime and I could see across the lake a large log cabin, where my Grandson was getting married, and I felt contentment.

Shortly after we this, we were brought back to the room, wide awake and refreshed. I was surprised at what my "imagination" had brought forward, considering I know absolutely nothing about Native Americans and am vegan so wouldn't normally think about wearing animal hide and making weapons with which to kill animals. So where did these images come from?

I want to believe in past lives, I really do. To me, there's comfort in the notion that "this isn't all there is" but obviously this workshop isn't solid proof of that. But what it did demonstrate to me is that there are other worlds inside our minds ready to be tapped into. And if an issue is simply too raw to address or difficult to understand in our present reality, stepping into a past life, real or imagined (it doesn't matter) could be the way to do it.

Kiss me, kismet!

2011-09-29T14:58:00.000-07:00

A few years ago I was fortunate enough to have suffered from depression. Yes, obviously it didn't feel like that at the time - I was utterly miserable - but I say I was fortunate because, otherwise, I may never had been introduced to Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT), a psychological approach which taught me that, it's not what goes on in your life that determines your level of happiness, it's how you deal with it. And that's important because, let's face it, crap stuff happens to ALL of us so it's brilliant to learn how to surf the waves without wiping out.

A few months ago, I felt like my landlord had whipped the chair right out from under me; he decided to sell my home. I'd only been there a year and, in spite of my CBT training, I was struggling hard to get my rose-tinted spectacles to stay on my nose. But after the initial shock and a little time spent re-evaluating my lifestyle, it transpired he did me an enormous favour.

See, much as I loved my beautiful home, this re-evaluation forced me to notice just how trapped I was. Underneath, I ached to go off to live a simpler life in order to learn about myself, but I couldn't see this because I was too busy running on my go to work/pay the rent treadmill. And anyway, how could I go swanning off when I had a job and furniture? What a waste of money it would be putting my stuff into storage - oh, boy, I had a lot of stuff for someone living in a studio (seriously, where was it all?!) - and how on Earth would I get all that time off work?

Then a mad but simple idea came to me - quit your job and get rid of your stuff. Seemed like a pretty radical concept for me at the time but, let's be honest, loads of people do it, it's not really that big a deal and so that's exactly what I did. Next month, I fly to Nepal and it feels like the most natural thing in the world. And it has led me to ponder other things that have gone on in my life that seemed awful at the time but were actually a catalyst for positive change.

Sometimes upsetting things happen and we don't take notice of the great things that came out of them. What events have happened in your life that seemed really rubbish at the time but turned out to be the best thing for you?

2011-09-22T07:11:00.000-07:00

"Work with your energy,
not against it."

~ Lisa Cherry Beaumont, 2011

2011-08-13T06:59:00.000-07:00

"Don't grasp; flow..."

~ Lisa Cherry Beaumont, 2011

Anarchy in the UK

2011-08-09T05:11:00.000-07:00

“People have been very angry and frustrated at the system for a long time and now they are having an opportunity, due to a snowballing effect started by one piece of police violence, to let some of that anger out. It's not necessarily always in a good way but that's what's happening in London at the moment. With a system that is built around oppression what do you expect? How many rich and prosperous looters have you seen on the streets this week?” ~ Alan Buttle

Is it a surprise that there is so much discontent, crime and anti-social behaviour when our primary role models are the rich and famous?

From birth, our society forces people to believe they'll be happy only if they "have" - excess money, material possessions, a particular lifestyle - that they're only worthy and will be accepted if they do. So when people don’t achieve this lifestyle they’re made to feel worthless; unimportant; underachievers. When something happens to “prove” their worthlessness (like the death of Mark Duggan, for example, and then being subsequently ignored when they peacefully protest) they fight back. Really, how can this be a shock to anyone?

If, in order to be happy and harmonious, we need to be kind and gentle toward each other why does our society promote rivalry and greed? We teach and reward competition against each other, the biggest show of this being the Olympic Games (which, for the record, I am vehemently opposed to). We’re taught selfishness and greed and then we punish those who steel. When TV game shows give the winner a mountain of cash or material prizes, what message is this sending to us? Why are we not taught by our parents and teachers how to be genuinely content? Contentment comes from inside; to be happy with who we are and what we have.

There's nothing wrong with being "poor" and having “nothing”; only managing to scrape by - some of the happiest and kindest communities in the world live this way. What is wrong is being made to feel worthless and guilty by a society that values material possessions above community.

Did you know that the last place on Earth to get television was a Buddhist country called Bhutan in the Himalayas where the society was peaceful, content and crime-free until 1999 when TV began broadcasting? Since then, Bhutan has joined the rest of us in our dissatisfaction with ourselves and our material wealth, and our high crime rates. Want truly happy children? Show them what's truly valuable! Turn off the TV and throw away your celebrity gossip magazines, they're poison. Let your children experience the simple pleasures. If your child is bored without a computer game that's your doing. You must engage him; inspire him. Recognise his interests and encourage his talents, but without pushiness. Give him your time and your love, not material possessions. If he doesn’t behave himself that's because you haven't taught him how to be satisfied. It takes patience, time and persistence.

When you decide to have a child, you take on the responsibility to raise him. Don't stick him in front of the TV, spend time with him. Teach him how to take care of himself, how to cook, how to clean, how to sew, how to mend a bicycle, how to paint a wall. This will give him discipline and make him feel valued. Take him on picnics, walks and bike rides, engage him in conversations about wildlife and the world around him to help with his understanding, appreciation and compassion. Give him a plant to take care of or, better still, a small vegetable patch and let him connect with nature and appreciate the fruits of his labour. If your child sees your dissatisfaction with your own material wealth, with your image and with your life this is what he’ll learn for himself, what he’ll help to spread within his peer group, and what he’ll pass down to your grandchildren and out to the rest of society, and so it will continue.

Our society perpetuates the chain of discontentment and so we have the power, as individuals, families and communities, to break it.

2011-06-29T02:12:00.000-07:00

"The worst thing you can do for the world is to be disconnected from your spirituality. This is because instead of getting your energy from source you'll fight with others for theirs."
~ Lisa Cherry Beaumont, 2011.

The boy and the bubbles

2011-04-28T04:56:00.000-07:00

On the sunny Easter Sunday just gone I was hanging out at a beach in Cornwall with a girl friend. While she sat calmly I was fidgeting so I decided to leave her to it for a while to take a walk along the seafront. Passing a seaside shop a box of bubble swords caught my eye. You know the thing; a large plastic test tube of bubble mixture with the wand attached to the handle. They’re fun to use; they make bigger-than-average bubbles and everyone loves to watch them, chase them, pop them... I’ve got a couple of bubble swords at home but I forgot to pack one so when I saw they were only £1.50 I thought I’d treat myself to another and that I could just give it away to a child at the end of the holiday. Children, dogs and even adults love to play with bubbles and as I meandered back along the seafront creating streams of bubbles I enjoyed watching the delight they created.

Later that afternoon, I found myself sitting on a grass verge waiting for a bus, so I took out the bubble sword and started making bubbles to pass the time. From around a bush a little boy appeared, about five years old. His huge white eyes and excited smile gleamed from his dark brown face – he was the cutest thing and I was instantly in love with him. I could see he was nervous but excited, not sure if I’d mind him popping my bubbles. I smiled and encouraged him by blowing more bubbles his way. His Grandmother appeared after a short while saying, “Come on, Izza, these are not our bubbles.” I didn’t really understand what she meant by that so I told them we could share and he stayed a while longer. We took the same bus and ended up waiting for the same train.

On the train platform we had another long wait so I took out the bubbles again, much to the little boy’s delight. I blew bubbles, he laughed and chased and popped them. He was so adorable I actually felt a physical ache in my heart. I gave him the sword so he could use it. He looked so surprised and happy my eyes filled up. I knew he’d appreciate and take care of the bubble sword so I asked him if he wanted to keep it. He appeared shocked and looked up at his Grandmother for her approval. His Grandmother said that yes, he would love to keep it. “Say a big thank you to the kind lady.” “Thank you!” he said loudly with wide eyes and a broad smile.

While Izza was occupied with the bubbles, his Grandmother took me to one side and told me quietly, “Izza’s aunty came from Canada yesterday and brought all four of them a present, and Izza’s oldest brother got bubbles. Izza wanted bubbles instead of the present he got but we told him the bubbles are not yours, Izza, if you want bubbles, you must pray for them. It’s his fifth birthday tomorrow and to teach him the lesson that you get what you pray for we were going to go to the shops early in the morning to get him some bubbles. But now we don’t need to do that.” She smiled at me knowingly and turned back to her Grandson as I stood there speechless while the story – and the lesson - sunk in.

Wood for the trees

2011-03-31T05:12:00.000-07:00

See if you can relate to this: It’s a weekday afternoon and you can’t see the wood of your desk. This is because it’s covered with the usual half cup of cold coffee, an empty water glass, desk phone, mobile phone, computer, keyboard, mouse, and a whole host of open files and folders, and piles of paper, and colleagues keep walking past adding more to the pile… Your inbox is rammed with questions and queries, and responses to your own questions and queries, all interlaced with junk mail all needing sorting through, and dealing with or deleting. There’s a problem you’ve been trying to think of a solution to that you just can’t seem to get your head around – if only the effing phone would stop ringing! There are two slightly stressed-looking colleagues hopping from one foot to the other, loitering around your desk waiting for you to come off the phone so they can speak to you and you haven’t even had the chance to get lunch yet. You’re meeting friends later at a new bar and restaurant, you’re not sure if you’ll make it on time, and you haven’t had time yet to see where it is or how to get there. Sound familiar?

Now imagine this: You stick out your right arm, lay it across the left-hand side of your desk and sweep it strongly to the right, clearing the whole lot on to the floor in one fell swoop - NOW you can see the wood! You stand up, walk past your astonished colleagues and go find a quiet meeting room with a lock and a comfy chair, and have an hour’s nap.

When you return to your desk feeling refreshed, you find your computer, keyboard and mouse placed neatly back on your desk, along with your phones, a hot cup of a tea and a fresh glass of water. All your filing has been done – paper and electronic – all junk has been binned and the rest of your emails, paperwork, files and folders are placed neatly in order, with tasks flagged for priority. Somehow you’ve thought of a brilliant yet simple solution to the problem that’s been going around in your head. You feel less stressed; you’re smiling and feel ready to take on the world.

“As if!”

Well, I’m here to tell you that all this loveliness, and more, can be yours! No, really, it actually can. And it’s free of charge and doesn’t require a management consultant nor a life coach. You’ve heard of it, I promise, but you’ve probably dismissed it as pointless or “not for the likes of me.” Well, it IS for the likes of you. Yes, YOU.

“Well, get on with it, woman, I haven’t got time for this, spit it out. What is this miraculous, free, magically life-changing product?!”

It’s meditation. Yes, really. Stay with me, nearly there...

“I don't know the first thing about it; how would I get started?”

There are so many different types of meditation and I am NO expert by any stretch of the imagination, you just have to find the method that works for you – a bit like exercise; some people love running, others love swimming, badminton, dance classes, golf... same with meditation – you may need to try a few techniques until you find one you click with. All I have is a meditation CD that a friend gave me a few years ago and that CD and I, we’re mates; we just “get on”. Do an internet search and see what pops up and what you’re drawn to – it could be a YouTube video, a course, a book, an article, a CD… And then get on with it. You know, it’s not during the meditation you find this amazing mental clarity and calm, it’s afterwards in your regular day to day stuff when you realise that everything around you is just SO much easier to deal with. Just like someone came to your desk and cleared it all up, polished everything and put everything in order, that’s how your head feels – like someone climbed inside, emptied it out, gave it a good clean and made three piles with the contents: one for the bin, one to pass on, and a neat pile of all the good stuff to keep for yourself. Wouldn’t that feel terrific?

Meditation will sort your head and your life out. Guaranteed. I dare you to try it...

2011-03-16T07:05:00.000-07:00

"When you hurt, make someone else feel better."

~ Lisa Cherry Beaumont, 2011

Air on the G string

2011-03-14T04:16:00.000-07:00

On the back of my previous post, a friend asked:

Do you believe in a creator?

I believe the closest there is to a creator is a life force; a special energy. I don't for a second imagine there's a "God" or creator. This is such a huge concept for us to get our heads around that whatever it is, is likely beyond human comprehension, HOWEVER the concept of there being an energy force makes a shed load more sense to me than there being one "divine being" who's in charge. I mean, if there's one divine being in charge, WTF is he up to allowing all this suffering? Nope. I believe in the whole interconnectedness and balance thing, yin and yang, cause and effect, as everything about it ties in with absolutely everything else that I (think I) know and am learning. The concept of a divine creator ties in with none of my other beliefs or understanding of anything whatsoever.

When I say "God is love" (i.e. follow the path of love) I'm over-simplifying in order to make it tangible but what I believe is that showing love, kindness and compassion is the PHYSICAL part of the realisation that we're interconnected. Do you know what I mean? Those who see beyond our illusion of separateness, those who fully realise that we're interconnected - not just with each other but with everything - and that everything is ruled by cause and effect, will automatically treat everyone (and everything) with love and respect because they know it fucks up the balance otherwise but, anyone who doesn't really get that can simply follow the path of "God" (love) and end up having pretty much the same effect without having to understand, or believe, the nuts and bolts of it.

I’m now going to explain the Lord’s prayer
(Oh yes! It’s all go this morning, isn’t it..?!)

Our father
(god-> the life force/energy, manifesting itself as love)
who art in heaven
(which can be seen/realised when the mind reaches peace->clarity->nirvana)
Hallowed be thy name
(which is highly respected, sacred)
Thy kingdom come
(This place, this heaven, this nirvana, will be reached in our minds)
Thy will be done
(when we will realise our interconnectedness and treat others with love)
On earth as it is in heaven
(in our day to day lives.)
Give us this day our daily bread
(When we ask for our basics for survival, nothing more, without greed)
And forgive us our trespasses
(We will be treated by others with love, kindness and compassion when WE fuck up)
As we forgive those who trespass against us
(when we treat others with love, kindness and compassion when they fuck up.)
Lead us not into temptation and deliver us from evil
(Let’s steer clear of greed and attachment and our minds will be free from pain)
For thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory
(because this realisation of our connectedness, and therefore our loving treatment of others, is what it's all about; it's the only power that will make us happy and healthy, and allow us to know true happiness: nirvana)
For ever and ever
(and although our lives are impermanant, these rules are not.)
Amen.
(Word.)

My interpretation of The Lord’s Prayer:

Our life force, which is sacred, we will come to know when our minds reach nirvana.
This place, this heaven, this nirvana, will be reached in our minds
when we see beyond our illusion of separateness, when we realise our interconnectedness, and treat others with love in our day to day lives.
When we ask for our basics for survival, nothing more, without greed, and when we treat others with love, kindness and compassion when they fuck up, we ourselves will be treated by others with love, kindness and compassion when WE fuck up.
Let’s steer clear of greed and attachment and therefore keep our minds free from pain, because this realisation of our connectedness, and therefore our loving treatment of others, is what it's all about; it's the only power that will make us happy and healthy, and allow us to know true happiness: nirvana.
Although our lives are impermanant, these rules are not.
Word.

The Holy Bible and other horror stories

2011-03-12T06:48:00.000-08:00

What I’m going to do is shed some proper light on all the religious guff we’ve been fed since children and show that, if we strip away all the obscurity, the deity (e.g. the bearded man in the sky) and the metaphors, what we’re actually presented with is the truth, and a way of living our lives that will GENUINELY make us happy.

Stick with me, keep reading. I’m going to make sense of something for you – this could make a big difference to your life.

I think, for some reason, we’re given the bearded-man-in-the-sky stories to “help” us to understand something, to keep us on the right track and to make us scared of going against the common good. But unfortunately, it simply doesn’t work for most of us because it’s so exaggerated and shrouded in so much bullshit that it doesn’t make any sense and so we disregard it as nonsense. Well, I know I always have.

So, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and here’s what I’m realising:

We all came from the same stuff.

We didn’t just land on the planet ready-made, did we? We came from something, probably after the big bang, there was this bacterium that then multiplied and then all these different bacteria mutated into all the living beings on the planet, changing bit by bit, over the years, to fit into their different environments. It makes perfect sense if you think about it, doesn’t it? So, going WAY WAY back, you and me, we’re related! Oh, and we’re related to next door’s dog and your mum’s cat and those goldfish in the tank in the dentist’s waiting room. Yes we are; we’re family, innit! So let’s treat each other as such! And no, I don’t mean arguing about the washing up; you know what I mean.

We’re all just big children trying to be happy.

In order to be happy, we need to look outwards. This means being good to others and not just to our friends and family but EVERYONE and all living beings (see above about us being family): colleagues, neighbours, strangers in the street, people on the bus, next door’s dog, your mum’s cat, the dentist’s goldfish and all those gazillions of beings living all over the world. Being good only to ourselves makes us selfish – think about a world where it’s every man for himself: we push to the front of the bus queue, we barge our way through doorways first, someone loses their wallet and we find it, thinking how lucky we are – is this really the way to live happily and in harmony? Course not. Now imagine a world where everyone is kind to each other… take a moment to think about it. The last time someone in front of you in the check-out queue let you go first because you’ve only got one item and they’ve got a massive trolley-full – how did you feel? Aww, that’s a nice feeling, isn’t it? Did you say to yourself that it’s restored your faith in human nature? I bet you did. That time you saw someone in the street crying and stopped to check that they’re OK – how did you feel? Better? Warmer? Kinder? More connected? Happier? It touched your soul, didn’t it?

What are our excuses for when we’re being selfish?

I’m in a hurry. To go where?

Strangers are not kind to me, why should I be kind to them? Be the change we want to see in the world – be a good example, it’s contagious.

If someone found MY lost wallet I bet I wouldn’t get it back. So we’ll be selfish, so other people will be selfish, and so the cycle continues. Let’s break the cycle.

Material possessions mean nothing.

Imagine the world blew up and, after the explosion, you’re left roaming around for days, alone in the rubble of houses and buildings, mucky hands and face, tatty clothes. What would you hope to find… An iPad? A pair of Kurt Geigers? A plasma TV? A Rolex? A Bentley? “Don’t be daft, Lisa!” I hear you cry, “After food and shelter needed for basic survival, I’d hope to find a fellow human being for companionship, to share my experiences of the explosion, to help me make sense of what’s happened!” Damn right! Would you fight this person and see them as competition, or would you be glad of the friendship of this stranger and share your food and shelter and hope they’d do the same for you? So, what’s the difference in our world of plenty? Why are we fighting and grabbing for more for ourselves instead of caring and sharing? Does the grabbing (working all hours to earn more money) make us feel satisfied and content or do we just run faster on the hamster wheel, filling our homes with more and more crap..?

Attachment is the root of our problems.

What’s attachment? It’s the unhealthy way we fasten ourselves to thinking that we “need” something and, it’s so unhealthy that, if things don’t go our way, if we don’t get what we want, it makes us truly miserable! But it’s not not getting what we want that makes us miserable, it’s our minds telling us that we’ll be unhappy if we don’t get it. For example, you want a bigger house. You see this beautiful house, in the street of your dreams, you put in an offer and it’s turned down. Oh, the misery! Boohoo, poor me! But really, it’s just a house. Becoming detached does NOT mean you don’t care about anything, what it means is that you’re flexible to the outcome, that’s all; that you don’t rest your worth or happiness on external factors.

So, who is God and how will following him make me happy?

Well, this is what gave me my Eureka moment this morning while I took breakfast on the balcony. God is simply love. There’s no bearded man (like you imagined for a minute that there actually was – I credit you with WAY more sense than that). Let me explain. If we let it, love can be the guiding factor in our lives. When we struggle to know what is the right thing to do, if we turn our focus outwards (instead of worrying about our own selfish needs – or attachment), if we show love to everyone around us, if we treat others with kindness and compassion, then THIS is what will help us to see the right way, and will make us happy because it makes us ALL happy. Do you get it? Read it again ‘til you do because it’s important.

And what about this eternal damnation; burning in hell??

Oh crikey, it’s no wonder we don’t like religion if we worry that if we put a foot wrong, we’ll burn in hell! What I believe this refers to is the loneliness, emptiness and mental torture we’ll endure if we behave as though we’re independent, cut ourselves off from the outside world, are greedy and selfish, and treat others with contempt. There may be more to it, something to do with karma, but this is as far as I’ve got. It’s enough for now.

And redemption?

Well, we’re none of us perfect, are we? But if we realise where we’ve been going wrong and we stop being led by greed (attachment) and look outwards and treat all other sentient beings with love, kindness and compassion, our loneliness, emptiness and mental torture will cease.

It’s quite straightforward, really, isn’t it? We don’t need a big fat book of convoluted horror stories. If we stop being greedy and grabbing and starting from now begin treating absolutely everyone with love, kindness and compassion, we’ll receive the one thing we all strive for each and every day of our lives – happiness. :o)

Hands together, eyes... open.

2011-03-06T11:27:00.000-08:00

Do you pray? Do you put your hands together, close your eyes, and ask for something in your life, and give thanks for what you already have? If not, you may wish to start doing so, as I've figured out why it's so beneficial and, here's the thing: -

It's got bugger all to do with God!

Oh, you are gonna love this... (can you tell I'm excited?)

Whether anyone can hear us or not, when we pray, it's two-fold:

1) We ask for something

When we ask for something we've made a decision about something that we want. We've removed the airy-fairy concept from our mind which is usually jumbled up with all sorts of other crap, and formed a concrete idea of exactly what we're looking for. We've made sense of it, we've said it out loud and, in doing so, affirmed to ourself that it's what we want. Sound familiar? Sound a bit like the law of attraction? Oh, yes it does. And whatever you believe about the law of attraction (or The Secret), at the very LEAST it helps us to realise what we want, and to look out for it and because of that, we're far more likely to spot the opportunities we need in order to get it.

2) We give thanks

We look at the good things that we have in our lives and express gratitude. Sound like point 9 of my top ten happy tips?? Oh yes. A few years ago, a psychologist named Martin Seligman asked 600 people to focus on some positive aspects about themselves and their lives, which included getting them to write down three things that went well each day for a week. Because these participants were focusing on the positive things in their lives (rather than the negatives), their happiness levels increased significantly, and stayed that way for at least six months. (I've done this many times as have several of my friends and I guarantee it works every single time.)

It's really that simple. Those people who feel that they're getting what they want and their lives are better since they started praying are right, but not necessarily for the reason they think!

Food for thought, hey? Try it for a week; see if your life improves. And let me know! :oD

Higher state of consciousness

2011-01-31T06:30:00.000-08:00

It's not easy to reduce a full day's workshop into a five minute synopsis, particularly without sounding like a complete fruit-loop, but I'll do my best to explain the main findings of Saturday's Higher Consciousness Workshop.

As I understand it, we exist on 3 levels:

Ego
the bit we paint on top to protect ourselves. It's not our true self but made from fear.

Soul
who we are fundamentally, what our true strengths our, why we're here.

Spirit
our life force, our energy, the timeless bit, the thing that carries our soul, brings it to life.

Almost all the time, almost all of us, are only in touch with our egos and are therefore coming from a perspective of negativity and fear but, calmness and real contentment can be brought about from looking at the bigger picture which is, it seems, that we're all made from energy and that the day to day stuff is largely unimportant.

The workshop was really to help us get past the ego and tap into the deeper levels to allow us to see our own souls a little clearer, to realise our own purposes, and also to feel our spirit energy connections with others. The man taking the class, Paul, believes that he has the ability to help us channel these energies, that he's in touch with the bigger picture and wants to help other people see it and connect with it. Awesome!

None of it was really all that "out there". This guy was normal, neither stiff suit nor tie-died fisherman's pants, just sweater and jeans, really nice and down to earth. I trusted him. Each of us received a crystal for our soul, our spirit and our twin flame. He spent about a minute working on each crystal, capturing the energies and attuning them to our personal energies. I confess, I was a bit skeptical.

When we each received our soul crystal we had to sit with it quietly and then tell others what we felt. I felt bugger all. I had no idea what they were talking about. A bit embarrassed I explained that I'm new to this, I didn't know what I was doing or looking for. It just made me feel a bit smiley, that's all, that can't mean anything, can it? Paul took my crystal and after a few seconds this is what he said:

“This is a very positive crystal, I feel joy. It’s all about happiness. You're here to bring joy and happiness to others, but specifically I see groups. You’re here to bring joy and happiness to groups of people. Are you a psychotherapist?”

Whoa. I explained that I'm studying psychology because I'm especially interested in positive psychology and what makes us happy. Afterwards I thought about how I enjoy arranging events in the hope of creating communities with the end purpose of connecting people to make them happy. And how I do go on about connection, community and happiness a bit sometimes. ;o)

Each person who held my crystal said it was full of joy and made them feel really happy - yay! I held Dominique's crystal and I felt an upward surge of energy. She told me hers made her sit up straight. I held Emily's and I felt like a jumping bean inside, left to right to left to right, but upwards, like a positive energy trying to escape, and she laughed and told me that's hers in a nutshell. They got two crystals mixed up so I held them and could tell the difference and gave them back to the right people - WTF?! So my skepticism was hushed a bit...

But the BEST BIT: We got our spirit-attuned crystals and had a group meditation, with Paul 'channeling our energies'. My mind became completely silent (no mind chatter, nothing - God, that was BRILLIANT in itself), then I felt a force inside my head, an actual physical force pushing up toward my skull, a building intensity and then for a few seconds... hard to describe... just incredible bliss. Like an orgasm for the mind - best way I can describe it - way more intense than what amazing music has ever done for me, and without emotion, just the bliss. Then it subsided to deep, silent relaxation for a few seconds, then the intensity built up again and it happened for a couple more seconds, then subsided... This happened maybe five or six times, then he called time: open our eyes, come back in the room. And he asked us to describe it. Nobody could speak. Before that we'd all been chatty (11 of us, sitting in a big semi-circle of chairs). Not a peep out of any of us now. I was stunned.

So, go on, let it start, bring it on. Ask me for the scientific evidence. Tell me it's mumbo jumbo. Warn me that I'm being lied to and ripped off. And I'll ask you: How could I feel the difference in those crystals? And when was the last time your mind was completely and utterly silent and you had a (drug free) mindgasm?

Inky thinky parlez-vous

2011-01-28T03:59:00.000-08:00

A thought about tattoos:

"Don't let a tattoo anchor you to the past. When choosing a design, choose something about yourself that is a constant; that runs all the way through you like the letters in a stick of rock. Then in times of self-doubt it may serve as a reminder of who you truly are, your authentic self, not of something you once were."

~ Lisa Cherry Beaumont, 2011

2011-01-21T04:55:00.000-08:00

"When friendship reaches out, grab hold."
~ Lisa Cherry Beaumont, 2011.

Do anything you wanna do

2011-01-11T08:29:00.000-08:00

Is there a hole in your bucket? Do you sometimes feel that no matter what you fill your life with, you’re never quite… happy… satisfied… content?

Psychologists generally agree that the most important factor in happiness (after food and shelter and all that malarkey) is having positive relationships. We seem to instinctively know this and therefore naturally strive to be a part of something: a social group, a romantic partnership.

But do you sometimes find yourself in situations where you feel you ought to pretend to be something in order to “fit in” with those around you, for them to like and accept you? Do you feel inclined to behave a certain way that doesn’t quite sit with you, wear a style of clothing you don’t particularly want to wear, or even live your life by rules that you don’t quite agree with, in order to be accepted into a certain social group or in order to attract or keep a romantic partner?

You most likely came across negative group pressure from a very early age. A child is picked on for being different and the other children feel they must join in the bullying in order to fit in. Maybe the bullied child was you or maybe you were a bully or maybe you just stood by and watched it happen knowing it was wrong but not wishing to be ostracised. When you were older perhaps you were persuaded to smoke, have sex or skive off school because the other kids were doing it.

As an adult perhaps you feel obligated to fit into a stereotype or role. Isn’t it time you bought a house of your own? Shouldn’t you be a manager at work by now? When are you going to get married and have children? Doesn’t someone who lives in a house like yours usually own a 4x4? UGG boots/camel coats/trilby hats are what everyone is wearing now, you need to go shopping… Probably nobody has said any of this to you outright but when you look around and this is what “everyone” in your peer group is doing, surely you’re expected to do the same. Right? ... Right? No! Of course it’s not right. (I know you knew this.)

If you find yourself comparing your life to that of others, and we all do it a bit sometimes, stop it! Stop worrying about what you think you should be doing. What someone else is doing isn’t necessarily right for you. Heck, it may not even be right for them! Of course it’s natural to want to fit in and be accepted because it makes us feel happy but only when we’re being accepted for who we really are. Those quality people who truly care about us are not worrying about what car we’re driving or whether it’s time we got a promotion but ONLY about our wellbeing. They want to spend time with us because they like us, not some pseudo personality we’ve adopted to fit in. If people want to be with you for artificial reasons that’s not real friendship and cannot be counted as a positive relationship; you can bet your boots if you found yourself in hospital they wouldn’t be waiting at the ward door at five-to-visiting time with a bottle of Lucozade.

In order to attract positive relationships we must be true to ourselves. Take some time to think about what things are important to YOU and take small steps to draw them into your life. If you think it’s not “the norm” so what? So you like trainspotting/taxidermy/going to raves in neon lycra – then get on with it! When you scratch the surface of some of the people you think you know, I guarantee you’ll find a bit of a weirdo underneath their “normal” veneer. Someone who doesn’t fit the mould; isn’t the same as everyone else, in spite of what they might have you believe. And that’s because we are all the same in that we are all individual.

I used to know a girl called Diane Bowers who had a saying, “You’re weird if you’re not a bit weird.” Isn’t that a great saying? Eight words that speak volumes. One of my interpretations is that she finds you strange if she is unable to properly connect with you because you’re covering up your true self; the things that may be a bit different, that make you YOU.

So if, like psychologists say, the most important factor in happiness is having positive relationships and if, like Diane says, it’s impossible to properly connect with someone who is hiding their true self, then doesn’t it follow that the only way you’ll ever be truly happy is to be your true self? I think it does, ya weirdo. ;o)

Morgan and coke

2011-01-01T15:21:00.000-08:00

Continuing my theme of reiterating amusing conversations, I'd like to share with you one which highlights some obvious but surprisingly frequent boy-meets-girl-in-a-club faux-pas.

On a lively dance floor, 2am, New Year's Day, a decent-looking but over-zealous bloke started dancing with me.

Bloke: Was that your boyfriend?
Me: Huh? No.
Bloke: Is your boyfriend here?
Me: [continuing to dance] No, I don't have a boyfriend.
Bloke: What's your name?
Me: Cherry.
Bloke: [feigning a swoon] Whoa, sexy. I also have a sexy name.
Me: [feigning belief] Really?
Bloke: Yes, it's Morgan.
Me: Ohhh, nice, hello Morgan.
Morgan: So, how old are you?
Me: I'm sorry?
Morgan: How old are you? What, 19, 20..?
Me: Are you serious? Why are you asking me that?
Morgan: Beautiful: tick! Single: tick! Just wondering how old you are...
Me: How old are YOU?
Morgan: How old do you think I am?
Me: [peering through the disco lights] I don't know... 26?
Morgan: So, how old are you?
Me: How old are YOU?
Morgan: Errr, yeah, 26.
Me: [narrowing eyes suspiciously] Riiiight... Where are your friends?
Morgan: [scanning the room] Errm... Where are yours?
Me: [shrugging] Scattered.
Morgan: Yeah, mine are scattered.

After less than another 10 seconds, and before I could calculate what was happening, Morgan's arms were around my neck and his tongue was trying to get into my mouth. I struggled free whilst attempting to remain courteous.

Me: [re-organising my hair] Excuse me, I need to use the bathroom.
Morgan: [nodding and looking disappointed like he knew he'd fucked up] OK.

Good grief, am I old fashioned? He didn't even offer to buy me a drink! Obviously I didn't return.

The Pilgrim's Progress

2010-12-31T07:41:00.000-08:00

A couple of recent conversations I had with my mom while staying with my parents over the Christmas break.
(Names have been changed.)

Christmas presents convo with mom

M: You know our friends Bob and Saffron? They don't buy their kids Christmas presents, you know.
L: Oh really? That's unusual.
M: I think it's tight.
L: Well, maybe. Perhaps they've got a reason. Perhaps they don't see the value in wasting money on gifts for the sake of it. Maybe they put more value on spending time with them. I do. I value spending time with my loved ones more than gifts.
M: Hmm. They're not very... Um...
L: Materialistic.
M: Yes, they don't have much.
L: Well, you don't need much to be happy. As long as you've a roof over your head and you're not hungry, everything else is just "stuff".
M: No, I think they're just tight. They'd rather not buy things for their own kids and save their money for the pub.
L: Is that such a bad thing? There's evidence to show that experiences and spending time with your friends and community make you happier than "stuff". They're not just spending money on booze...
M: No, Bob won't drink at home.
L: So they're spending their money on socialising with their friends in the pub, an experience that makes them happy. Better that than buying their daughter a jumper she'll probably never wear, wouldn't you say?
M: No, but don't they want to see her face light up when she opens something?
L: She may not have been brought up to value "stuff", mom. Look at our Edward - he's as happy playing with the box as he is with the present inside it. It's only us and society that will teach him in the next few years to put more value on a £300 X-Box. That doesn't mean you can get away with not buying me anything next year, by the way. You've brought me up for 30-odd years to value "stuff".
M: I'm gonna give you a box.
L: Don't you dare.

***

Gay convo with mom

M: Why does Angela's gay daughter have to wear football shirts, trainers and jeans, and cut her hair short? She looks disgusting.
L: You've just described nearly every man in Yorkshire.
M: Yes but she's a woman.
L: Oh, mom, I don't know where to start.... People are different. It's not to do with her being gay. You can't say all straight men are the same - look at the difference between the dad from The Royle Family and, say, David Beckham. Maybe that's just how she's comfortable.
M: Well, she wasn't like that before she was gay.
L: Maybe before she came out she felt she had to fit into a female stereotype but now she feels she can be herself.
M: Christine's gay daughter is pretty though. Looks lovely. And she's really bright and bubbly. Not like this one. Nobody likes her you know. Only her girlfriend. She's obnoxious.
L: Maybe she no longer feels she has to try to please everyone. Maybe wearing football shirts and being obnoxious is who she really is.
M: Well I don't know, I'm just saying.
[Pause....] But what I don't understand is why gay men who always dress themselves nice have to put on that gay voice.
L: Not all of them do.
M: Yes but most do. Why do they do that?
L: I don't know. Maybe they're not putting it on, maybe that's how men are supposed to talk but society tells them they have to sound manly and butch.
M: Well they could just talk normal.
L: Maybe that *is* normal to them. Just like Chinese people sound very different to us just because of how they've been taught, it doesn't mean either way is wrong.
M: Well maybe you're wrong, have you thought of that?
L: I'm just trying to give you a different perspective. I'm trying to explain that just because we're used to something being one way it doesn't make it right or better. I'm going for a bath, OK?
M: Alright, don't be long, I want one.
L: Alright. Dad, I'm going up for a bath, alright?
D: [Taking his boots off after returning from collecting his winnings from the bookies] Alright, kid.

Fizz Bucks

2010-12-12T11:50:00.000-08:00

An article in the Metro recently stated that, in a blind taste test, 80% of participants couldn't tell the difference between a supermarket's £6 bottle of Cava Brut and the big name Champagnes at upward of £30. I mentioned this on Facebook stating it as further proof of my "emperor's new clothes" theory regarding Champagne - my mother has always insisted it’s overrated and I agree - and received a surprising amount of feedback from friends with several saying that one of the leading big name Champagnes is, and I quote, "shit". Apparently every year it's supermarkets' own brands that come out top in taste tests. Why, then, do people shell out considerably more money for an equal or inferior product?

Take bottled water for example. I get irritated by restaurant waiting staff who ask if I'd like sparkling or still water. Obviously, it's a trick question designed to get us to fork out upwards of a fiver for bottled water. I ask for tap water. Tap water is perfectly potable and tastes fine in the UK and I refuse to allow restaurant staff to make me feel cheap to boost their profits when I'm already in their restaurant paying for food, wine and service.

It makes me wonder: Why are we so easily influenced to spend silly money when something much less expensive – or in the case of water, free! - would be just as good if not even better?

Here's a question for you: If I was holding a Champagne party at my house and I asked you to bring a bottle, how long would you spend choosing it and how much would you spend?

Here's a slightly different question: If I was holding a Champagne party at my house and I asked you to bring a bottle and I categorically instructed all of my guests IN ADVANCE to remove all labels from the Champagne, bring it in a brown paper bag, pool the bottles together on the kitchen worktop upon arrival, and stated that guests are forbidden to discuss which drink they brought, how long would you take choosing it and how much would you spend?

Did your answers differ? Does this help us to understand our reasons for buying branded products? Feedback and comments invited. :o)

Every day, Nirvana

2010-11-29T05:42:00.000-08:00

My 3G connection failed - as it regularly does - on my walk to work this morning, interrupting my joy at listening to a Tubular Bells/Christina Aguilera mash-up on YouTube. Unenthused with most of the music on my iPhone at the moment, I put on a meditation recording.

Instantly I was whisked away from the cold, the traffic and my fellow commuters, and the soothing voice took me up and away to a higher place where I started to feel untouchable. I felt surprisingly relaxed very quickly and was beginning to feel connected when suddenly the voice was cut off and my phone started ringing into my earphones. Urgh. It was the estate office where I live so I figured it could be important - was my flat flooded or on fire? Reluctantly I answered it. When am I going to pick up the parcel that was delivered last week? So, not even slightly important. How irritating to have been grabbed from my path to Nirvana and thrust onto the concrete plaza in front of Canary Wharf station.

Not that the estate office shouldn't have made the call, they're just trying to clear some space for the inevitable rush of Christmas deliveries. But the point of the today's rambling is that this just made me realise how much I need to be away from what is increasingly appearing to me to be pointless, banal crap.

It's not that my life is stressful, oh no, far from it. I've got it pretty easy at the moment, things are going well for me, I have nothing whatsoever to complain about. It's just that I feel the urge, the need, to be in a higher place. I'm starting to see a lot of stuff that goes on around me as truly worthless. Not that I'm coming from a negative place; I'm certainly not seeing things from a depressive perspective, and I don't feel at all jaded. Just a lot of things I once took as red and never questioned seem so superficial to me now.

Seven years ago before I moved to London I stared at the ceiling above my bed and said out loud to myself, "There has got to be more to life than this." And I found that there was. I removed myself from the Northern town I lived in and discovered the exciting metropolis that is London. I've travelled and partied, met some incredible people and done and seen things I'd never imagined I would or could. And I'm still discovering and learning and it's still exciting and I do still love it, I really do. But in parallel to that I find half of me in a similar headspace to seven years ago, only a step up, if you like.

I need to connect with our life force and I need to be around people who understand this. I don't mean I want a weekend at Centerparcs, I mean I need to get right back to basics, to the very root of what we're made of. I want to be creative and feel I must listen to the voice inside but, I'm struggling to hear what it's saying. But I do know it's speaking.

I'm going to a meditation workshop next week presented by one of the practitioners who introduced me to reiki. I'll use this to help me decide whether I will take the opportunity early next year to cut myself off from the outside world and spend ten days at a meditation centre. I want a piece of Nirvana and I want to be able to access it every day. Only then, I feel, will I be able to hear what my inner voice is telling me.

Can't get no sleep?*

2010-11-28T13:04:00.000-08:00

Got a hamster wheel in your head?

Tossing and turning and fidgeting?

Try my strategy for a quick trip to dreamland...

Get up.
Open a window and pull back your bed sheets to cool down your bed.
Fluff your pillow and turn it over.
Have a drink of water.
Go to the loo.
Wash your hands and feet and apply moisturiser.
Shut the window and go back to bed.
Tense up all the muscles in your body one by one and release them.
Envisage drawing a chalk outline on the floor around your body starting and finishing with your head.

I hope it works for you.

*Please don't point out the double-negative in the title; you should know me well enough to realise I'm painfully aware of it. ;o)

Eternal sunshine

2010-11-06T15:35:00.000-07:00

Well, that's it; it's over. Summer has well and truly delivered us her Dear John letter. (Don't worry, she'll be back in a few months' time, she's fickle like that.) Clocks have gone back and we go everywhere in the dark. No more festivals, barbecues or going to the pub without your big coat on: boohoo: rubbish.

It's no wonder so many suffer from SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). I don't know about you but the thought of going out in the dark and miserable weather is more than enough to make me want to hibernate in the duvet and eat mashed potato sandwiches. But although slowing the pace a bit for the winter months is inevitable, unless we have the luxury of b*ggering off to warmer climates for a few months (I don't) we have to grin and bear the sh*tty weather and the dark nights and just get on with it.

So it got me to wondering: what tangible things can we do to ease the transition from Summer into Autumn and Winter?

BRONZE
My friend Susan has a great suggestion: fake tan! You may laugh but when you're feeling a bit fat and miserable from too many evenings tucked up in your duvet scoffing comfort food, seeing what you were born with, in mahogany, is quite a pick-me-up. You'll look slimmer and healthier - yay to that! They do special ones for men now as well, probably the same stuff with less perfume and a really hard name, and sold in penis-shaped bottles.

WEAR
Make some wardrobe space by packing away your Summer clothes (I put mine in a case under the bed), and dig out your winter clothes. Sort them into outfits with bags, scarves and other accessories, and getting ready to go out into the cold will seem a bit less of a chore - exciting even! Or maybe that's just me. Well, you can try it. I'm not making any promises here.

SUN
There's not as much opportunity to get sunshine which, as you know makes us happy, so do your absolute best to go outside at lunchtime, for at least 10 minutes. It will not work through your balaclava so you'll have to take it off.

LAUGH
Keep your pecker up by watching comedy TV or reading funny books. Stay away from anything depressing. Like the news. If anything big happens someone will tell you, I guarantee it.

COOK
Over the Summer I always find myself either eating out, or chucking a few salad ingredient together for dinner, and so by the time Autumn comes around I've forgotten how to cook and am horrified at the thought of spending more than 10 minutes in the kitchen. Very tempting to order in junk food or chuck a pizza in the oven, but this cr*ppy food will make us feel worse so pull out your recipe books and re-discover some comforting but healthy winter recipes. Do not be tempted to replace the Summer salads with white carbs - you will be sorry! The free Asda magazine always has some ace recipes that are proper easy and don't contain ingredients you can never find like figs, lemongrass and rocking horse sh*t.

SOCIALISE
While we're on the subject of cooking, as you'll be spending less time in the beer garden, invite your friends over and cook for them. A great excuse to drink red wine. Someone told me recently they did their own version of "Come dine with me" with a bunch of friends. You'll probably get very p*ssed. You may even win a prize. Or get food poisoning. Bl**dy brilliant!

TALK
Alright, there'll be times when you REALLY can't be bothered having people over because it's way too much effort to push the vacuum cleaner round and wear something other than day four pyjamas. On days like this it's more important than ever to connect to stop you getting down, so ring your friends and family. It'll cheer you up a bit, and them. And over the phone they can't smell you or see the piles of washing up.

CHILLAX
Relaxing and getting enough sleep in winter is EASY. Bath, book, bed. Simples.

TURNAROUND
Now this is one I use myself a lot. When I step outside and the wind is blowing and it's drizzling and I realise half way to the bus stop I should have worn different shoes there's a whiny little voice in my head which starts. "I'm freeeeezing!" or "Sh*t my hair, why did I bother?" or "F*ck these f*cking shoes." But then I stop the voice before it continues and turn the message around to something a bit more positive like, "Ah, the boss will probably not realise I'm late." or "Hmm, which flavour coffee shall I have this morning?" or "I actually look really hot in these shoes." It helps to stop a negative downward spiral of thoughts, changes your perspective and plants positive messages which affect mood. It's all good.

EXERCISE (You hoped I'd forgotten, didn't you?)
Oh, I caaaaaan't, I'm tiiiiiired, it's coooooold, I just want to go hooooome. I know. I do, I know. But we still have to do it. I can't tell you what exercise to do, as it's personal to you but you must continue to do it for your well-being. That boost of happy-chemicals makes everything else seem so... pleasant. Force yourself, you'll be glad of it. I schedule my exercise into my paper diary in Sharpie marker so I can't scrub it out. Or if I do you can still sort of see it. Especially if I draw a box around it and block it in. It's really obvious.

So those are my tips for getting us over the Winter months. If you can think of any more feel free to post them up and we can share them with everyone. And we can all skip to work in the sunshine in our heads!!!

Why do people who get everything become the most unhappy?

2010-08-24T03:00:00.001-07:00

A young lady asked a great question recently:

“Why do people who get everything become the most unhappy?”

She went on to explain,

“My friend is spoiled. She's not a brat and doesn’t have a bad attitude and I wouldn’t call it depression or anything as she's usually super happy but then when she does get sad she says she's missing something. And she's not the only friend like that. Why do spoiled people think they're missing something that'll make them happy?”

Here is my response:

This is an excellent question, Jessica!

It appears that in Western society we're led to believe that if we have more material possessions it will somehow make us feel more fulfilled inside. If we have a bigger TV, a better car, more jewellery, fancy clothes, etc., we will somehow miraculously feel happy - and that's not true at all!

Of course having "some" money and possessions can make our lives a lot easier and less of a struggle but possessions themselves do NOT make us happy inside. Fact.

Sadly, a lot of people spend their lives trying to obtain more and better material possessions in the hope that it'll make them feel happy and fulfilled (like the TV adverts tell us they will) and they then neglect the things in life which will genuinely help them with their happiness.

There is much research and discussion about what makes us feel "complete" (i.e. like we're not missing something) but generally having a sense of purpose and belonging are key to this. A few years ago I read a great book called Dare to Connect by Susan Jeffers (Piatkus Books, 1995) which helped to get me on the right track to start to understand this.

Please do feel free to talk to me about this if you want to discuss it further.

2010-08-19T09:02:00.001-07:00

"We are here to awaken from our illusion of separateness." - Thich Nhat Hanh

ALAN! Who the f**k is Alan?!

2010-08-10T01:41:00.000-07:00

You know what a Mexican wave is, right? Where the crowd in a stadium creates a wave effect by standing up and raising their arms then sitting down again, in turn? Well, I found a different version of this at The Big Chill festival this weekend.

I can only imagine it all started when someone wandered off from his group of friends and they were trying to get his attention to rejoin them. It probably began with one friend shouting, “Alan!” and when Alan didn’t hear the others joined in. Passers by, thinking it would be either helpful or amusing joined in too and for some reason this caught on and, in no time, people throughout the entire festival were shouting, “Alan!” just once each which created a wave of sound rippling through the crowds, even reaching the far corners of the campsite.

But it didn’t just happen once. Every now and again somebody would start the Alan game again and within a minute or two it had rippled around the festival grounds, each of us yelling, “Alan!” at the top our of voices and then collapsing into laughter and, like a baby playing peek-a-boo or a dog chasing a stick, we didn’t tire of it and it was fun every single time, even at 3am, tucked up in our sleeping bags, trying to sleep; we’d hear the Alan wave approach, yell, “Alan!” then there’d be giggling from all the surrounding tents. Genius.

But it begs the question: Why did we join in?

Because it allowed us to be silly and childish and playful without the fear of being frowned upon
Because each of us aches to belong and feel connected and this daft game connected us almost instantly to 30,000 people
Because sitting in the countryside and yelling at the top of our lungs is brilliant stress relief

How often are we allowed to shout? Not often really if at all and it’s only a sidestep from singing (loudly!) which we can sometimes get away with.

So, what have we got here?

Silliness – by letting go of our inhibitions
Connectedness – by joining in with others
Stress relief – by letting go of our voices

This reminds me of the famous quote (which I happen to have on my Facebook page):

“Dance as though no-one is watching
Love like you’ve never been hurt
Sing as though no-one can hear you
Live as though heaven is on earth.”

Thanks, Alan. (Whoever you are!)

Words of wisdom

2010-08-01T07:55:00.000-07:00

"When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me, speaking words of wisdom: Let it be."

Well, not exactly; I'm not a religious sort and although my mother *is* called Mary, it's not about her either, but I think there's a lot to be said for these wise words.

Life can be stressful and difficult and I wonder, wouldn't we be bored if it wasn't? But it's necessary to evaluate a situation and decide: Does it matter?

Small case in point, recently a colleague missed the check-in for her flight by only two minutes and called me in some distress from the airport. She was clearly very upset firstly because she feared she'd miss her meeting with her client and, secondly I imagine, because she knew it would cost the company a fair amount of money to rebook her non-flexible flight. I can fully understand her frustration; she had given herself plenty of time but the public transport had been unreliable resulting in her narrowly missing check-in. I've done this before, missed a train to see my family in Yorkshire by three minutes due to unreliable public transport, even though I'd given myself what should have been more than enough time. I was going through a difficult period of my life and I remember the sinking feeling as I saw the empty platform, the worry I felt that I wouldn't get to see my family and the annoyance at having to pay a small fortune for a replacement ticket for a later train. I stood in the station and cried with frustration and helplessness and imagine that's pretty much how my colleague felt standing on her own in the airport.

My train experience was five years ago and I drew on it to assist my distressed colleague. Within 15 minutes I had booked her onto a new flight leaving in a couple of hours and I also emailed her to say, "C'est la vie. Don't sweat it, nobody died. In five years you probably won't even remember. ;o)" I hope that helped her to relax about a situation that, in the grand scheme of things, doesn't really matter. Yes, some money was wasted which is not ideal but it's a mere irritation and can be written off as "one of those things".

There are quite a few books telling us the same thing ("Don't sweat the small stuff" by Richard Carlson, and "F**k It: the Ultimate Spiritual Way" by John Parkin to name two) which for all intents and purposes teach us: When things seem a bit sh*t and out of your control, step back, put it into perspective and, where possible, just let it be.

What's the worst that could happen?

2010-07-11T14:10:00.000-07:00

As I see it, there seems to be a preoccupation in our society with extremes – you’re either a drinker or you’re teetotal; you’re either a smoker or you’re a non-smoker; you’re vegetarian or you’re not, those of us who want to lose a few pounds go on a fad diet... (No finger pointing here, by the way, I’m just as guilty as the next person.) We seem to struggle if we can’t put a label on it.

What happened to balance? Why do we feel we have to swing wildly between black and white, or feel that we have to set up camp in one particular field?

Remember the old adage: “A little bit of what you fancy does you good”? I’ve been living by that rule for a few months now and it seems to be serving me well; I don’t feel at all deprived; life is feeling pretty balanced.

But, well, balance and moderation is all well and good isn’t it, for some areas of our lives? What happens when the thing we’re approaching has no half-measures?

Just like you can’t “kind of” do a parachute jump, you can’t “a bit” have children, and you can’t “sort of” quit your job to work for yourself – it’s all or nothing, isn’t it? And “all or nothing” can seem truly terrifying: it’s a total commitment. What in God’s name do you do if you don’t like it? You can’t float upwards and get back on the plane – once you’ve jumped you’ve got to deal with the consequences.

But what if all you’ve ever wanted is to experience that exhilaration of throwing yourself out of a plane? What are your options? Either you go up in that plane and you jump out – embrace the fear that, yes, it could all go horribly wrong - or you stay on the ground and know that you’ll never get to do it and, worse still, watch others experience what you crave.

How many of us shy away from something we know in our hearts we want, simply because we fear it may be the wrong choice? I’ve done that so many times. I fear I may mess it up or realise later that I made the wrong decision and it feels like there’s no going back. How often, though, is it REALLY the case that there’s no going back?

Well, this is where, again, we turn to balance – a balanced perspective. Yes, there ARE extreme circumstances where there’s absolutely no going back but really, they’re few and far between. What about what you’re shying away from? (I believe most of us are shying away from something, come on, admit it.)

Look at whatever it is you’re denying yourself because of fear and honestly ask yourself:

“Is it really an extreme circumstance? If I do this is there truly no going back, or is it something that potentially I could change my mind about at a later date if I decide it’s not for me?”

Dig deep and ask yourself,

“What’s the very worst that could happen?” and then, “If the worst happens, is that even worse than me leaving the earth having never tried it?”

If the answer is no, then you know what you must do.

Hearts for sale

2010-07-01T07:54:00.000-07:00

The thing about online dating is that there are no guarantees. Unlike eBay or any other online shop for that matter, if the item you invest in doesn't turn out to be as described, there's no come back.

Still surrounded by baggage - physical and emotional - I fell into internet dating from a position of vulnerability. Another unsatisfying three year relationship over, another suitcase in another hall.

After I moved out on my own, when I wasn't making myself unsustainably busy to numb the pain, I'd be online, looking out for my next potential life-partner. A few guys said hello, I liked the look of some of them, too, but it all felt empty; none of them made me feel anything inside. That is until one evening, about a month in.

I'd trawled about a hundred or so online profiles, as I usually did, clicking one or two as "favourites" - maybe he liked art, maybe he was sensitive - but I stopped dead in my tracks when I saw this particular one. I remember, I actually stood up and said, "Wow, I have got to speak to him."

"Relax, smile and be happy" his profile instructed me. That spoke to me, so I read more. You know when you're on a beach looking for pretty pebbles and one catches your eye and you're so delighted you reach down to pick it up? Well, this was no pebble - I believed I'd found a diamond, right there at my feet. As I read what he had to say in those few short paragraphs, all the emptiness was filled, and the agony I'd been carrying around for months just dissipated.

Within two weeks we had exchanged probably 50 emails and had arranged to meet. His online photos were slightly obscure so I wasn't certain I'd recognise him but as soon as we saw eachother we smiled, he scooped me into his arms and squeezed me. "It's good to meet you." It was. Instantly I was hooked.

We had an amazing first date, spent all afternoon together in the sunshine; we walked, ate ice cream, wandered the markets and canals, shared food in a cute organic cafe... Could any first date have gone better? I thought probably not. At the end of our date he walked me to the station and gave me another of his giant hugs. I hadn't known if we'd kiss but no, we didn't. Maybe it was too soon, there was time for all that.

His emails after that point dropped off a bit - always "manic" at work - but still we met for dates; five wonderful afternoons over the course of about ten weeks. The last time I saw him I felt we had become close. He'd mentioned previously that he hadn't been ready for anything serious so I had backed off and left him alone - neither was I, if I was really honest with myself. But after a couple of weeks he came back to me, wanted to see me again, and I was glad. He'd clearly been doing a lot of thinking and he told me his plans; his dream of moving back to his home country, a friendly community, sunshine, kids, beachside living; in a few years, after he had worked out how to make more money.

Why did he tell me this? Was he looking for my reaction to gauge whether I'd like to be a part of his future?

When I left him that day his words and actions told me we'd see eachother again very soon. That was almost two weeks ago. Since then it's like nothing has changed. He's again busy at work, no phone calls, few emails and no plans to meet up.

Why, then, is this extraordinarily beautiful and confused man in an online shop selling himself as potential relationship material?

I've decided today that I must move on from him for my own emotional safety. He's a risky venture and my well-being is at stake. I'm having conversations with some wonderful men who are very keen to meet me.

But what about my ten week investment? And far more importantly, what about that aching, gaping hole he left in my heart? I hope that one of these other wonderful men can help to fill it in, and soothe it better. But the thing about online dating is that there are no guarantees.

2010-06-28T02:27:00.001-07:00

"Did you ever think life was incredibly beautiful?
Did you ever get frightened by the passing of time?
Were you ever helpless in the face of love?
Don't you know we're all part of something eternal?"

~ Ivor Tymchak, Gentle Ihor's Devotion

All four one

2010-06-27T16:41:00.000-07:00

Someone told me recently that they wished they could love football. I didn't need them to elaborate; I think I understood; I've often wished it for myself: that feeling of belonging and loyalty through thick and thin.

I spent this afternoon in a riverside pub with three friends and a big group of strangers, to watch England play Germany in the World Cup. I don't *do* football but somehow have allowed myself to be swept along this time by the enthusiasm of friends and colleagues, alongside that little bit of hope I have that it'll give me a sense of belonging.

I'll be honest, I don't understand half of what's going on but football fans are only too willing to indulge my questions, explaining about penalties, the point-scoring system and who the players are. That's the thing about enthusiasts - they love what they love so much that they'll gladly pull you in and make you welcome in the hope that you'll love it, too, so that they can share it with you and make you a part of their "family".

A hundred or so people crowded around a TV screen in the back room of a pub, on a hot day, connected by our support for our team. Each of us sharing, in varying degrees, the joys and disappointments of the game. When England scored I was genuinely pleased, not least to sense the joy of those around me. I felt frustration and disappointment at our disallowed goal (seriously, WTF happened there?!) and I shared a bit of the pain of those around me when Germany scored (all four times...) And I knew that millions and millions of people the world over were also sharing this with us.

Some of us were texting friends about the game, some were updating Facebook and Twitter and some of us made friends with strangers in the pub - how this game brings us together! And what struck me was, the more people shared and connected, the better it felt: it doesn't become diluted by sharing, on the contrary, it becomes stronger.

While the game was on, the world kept turning, shit happened like it always does, but we forgot about all that for a couple of hours, because we were supporting something that we were a part of. And we didn't win, far from it, but we were united in our defeat and, because of that, none of us were alone. How comforting.

I wonder, how can we apply this outside of football? What can we do to recreate and maintain this community, friendship and support long after the World Cup is over?

We're all a part of something: a flatshare, a family, a workplace, a group of friends, an exercise class... What is each of us actively doing to create a community of friendship and support?

In London, as in most cities, it's easier to go about our business without a thought for or acknowledgement of the next person, particularly as life is so fast-paced. But if we can take a moment to reach out with kindness and friendliness, especially to those we don't know, maybe we could be the force to change the cycle for the better and help to create a community similar to that I saw in the pub this afternoon.

2010-06-25T07:23:00.000-07:00

"Children begin by loving their parents; after a time they judge them; rarely, if ever, do they forgive them."
~ Oscar Wilde

X Goodbye

2010-06-25T07:18:00.000-07:00

Do you remember the last time you were turned down for a place at university or for a job?

You received a letter, the anticipation when tearing open that envelope, your future in your hands, replaced by emptiness when you read those few lines. Or the thrill in your stomach when the recruitment agent called, quickly replaced by disappointment when she broke the bad news.

Felt pretty rubbish, didn't it?

Or could you take it in your stride? Plenty more fish to fry? No big deal? Depends how much you wanted it, I suppose but, even so, I know myself when I've been turned down for jobs I didn't even really want, it's still a little knock to the ego; made me feel a tiny bit worse about myself.

My friend got free tickets to the X Factor auditions last night so three of us went along. We queued for a VERY long time to get in but eventually there we were, in the audience of this massive, popular, national TV show. Thousands of excited fans, the lights, the music, TV cameras and, there at the front, Dermot, Louis, Cheryl and of course Simon - wow!

The first few acts I have to say were bloody great, very talented young people - no older than their teens. How anyone could pick holes in their performances is beyond me but if they've to get through they have to be exceptional and they know this, so the criticism helps them.

Next up we saw a 50 year old Indian gentleman in a tan suit. He looked pretty out of place and had with him a large rucksack which, when questioned by Simon, he explained quite seriously contained tapes and CDs. The audience laughed. I laughed. The Indian gentleman didn't laugh, he just looked a little uncomfortable and put the bag down to one side.

I couldn't tell you what he sang but it sounded appalling; just utterly awful, out of tune. The audience laughed. I laughed.

He was told, of course, that he didn't get through. Cheryl's a good girl, she's been there herself and knows how it feels so she chooses her words carefully so as not to hurt anyone's feelings. The other two, particularly Simon, not so much.

The Indian gentleman picked up his rucksack and left.

I left a little before the end of the show; managed to completely avoid the crowds at the station. As I descended the steps to the DLR platform I noticed a figure slumped on a seat - an Indian gentleman in a tan suit, with a large rucksack. He was completely alone and looked a little sad. No big group of friends and family around him showing support, hugging him, drying his tears, you know, like they always show on the TV when someone doesn't get through.

Just a man on his own in a train station going home after being laughed at and told he didn't make the grade. My heart sank. As I walked past I slowed and he looked up. I smiled and nodded and said, "Good effort. Good effort." He smiled back, "Thanks."

I didn't feel much like laughing now.

How did he feel, do you think?

I met someone...

2010-06-25T07:17:00.000-07:00

... in the park today; a man.

I was enjoying the sun, reading, on the grass; he was fidgeting, shoes off, trying to get comfy on a bench. I watched him, on and off, for maybe 30 minutes. He was unremarkable in appearance - perhaps 30-something, slim, dark hair, black jeans, white teeshirt. There was something about his being alone and his apparent inability to get to sleep on the bench that eventually drew me to pack away my book and go and join him, also barefoot, on the bench.

My sitting disturbed him. He had his head buried in his arm which he lifted when he felt me sit down, and he shuffled over. Can't remember what I said, "Nice day." I think, and maybe, "You OK?"

Transpires he'd woken up too early as he forgot to shut his curtains before bed and had come to the park to sleep.

We exchanged easy small talk and within minutes had fast-tracked to discussing culture, diversity, global city-life, the emptiness of the Canary Wharf lifestyle, materialism... It started to rain so we took cover under the branches of a tree and continued to talk... About where we are in our lives, what we hope to achieve, religion, society, the craving to "fit-in", the need to fill the void inside, Eastern versus Western cultures and values and happiness.

We walked the park between rain storms, ducking under buildings and trees as the need arose. We talked for maybe three hours, then we exchanged contacts, and went our separate ways.

In the three hours, this young man from Eastern Europe, who has traveled the world, spent a short time studying society in Nepal, and spent 12 years studying the core values of the Hindu, Buddhist and Islamic faiths (among others), taught me that it's OK to be lonely.

He explained that it's Western society that trains us to believe we should be happy all the time and that if we're not we're failing. He told me that "personal identity" doesn't exist; that it's a false creation of Western society, and how many of us try to fill the void we feel inside with three things: career, relationship, material possessions. I pointed out that, for me, it's "keeping busy". I keep myself busy all the time because I'm terrified of feeling lonely.

He believes the void inside cannot be filled but that each of us simply has to learn to become comfortable with it.

Back off, buddy: A rule that some women need spelling out

2010-06-25T07:14:00.000-07:00

I want to make it clear that this is not related to my relationship, it's just something that I've observed.

OK, so most of us have (or have had at some point in the past) a best or very-close friend of the opposite sex. You hang out together, are eachother's platonic "date" at weddings and dinners when everyone else seems to be in couples, and you snuggle up on the sofa to watch movies. You try out new restaurants/bars together, provide eachother with advice about the opposite sex, and are the comfortable shoulder to cry on and moral support when the other gets dumped. You can and do talk about anything and everything. During lonely periods, you've maybe even toyed with the idea of the two of you as a couple - heaven forbid - but realised you're missing the X-factor to be anything more than great mates.

And then he meets someone special. You're excited for him, prepare him for dates with her, listen as he tells you all about her. You can't wait to meet her - if she's good enough for your best mate, she's got to be wonderful. As time goes on he, understandably, has less time for you and more time for her. And that's exactly how it should be.

But here's where some women get it wrong. It's at this point that you should BACK OFF. He has found someone special to hang out with, to be his date at weddings and dinners, to snuggle up with on the sofa, to try out new restaurants with. He doesn't need relationship advice (unless he asks for it), and you certainly can't go phoning his mobile at midnight when your date from match.com turns out to be a loser.

You can still be his friend but you must respect his new relationship and his new girlfriend. He's a boy and you're a girl; it cannot be the same between you; them's the rules!

If you try to continue things how they were - wanting to hang out with him all the time, being affectionate with him, calling and texting on a daily basis - you're going to seriously annoy his girlfriend and this puts him in a difficult situation; either he risks upsetting you by having to ask you to back off a bit, or his girlfriend has a strop every time you throw your arms around him in public.

So do the decent thing; respect their relationship, and back off. Get on with your life. Everyone knows that relationships can be hard at times and he doesn't need you throwing a spanner in the works and spoiling things for him. And remember that what goes around comes around; when YOU meet someone special, do you want his pretty, flirty, best friend sitting on his knee at parties?

Think about it.

Don't ask about work!

2010-06-25T07:12:00.000-07:00

There are two topics it's commonly acknowledged that you steer clear of in polite company: politics and religion. And for good reason; they can incite heated debate, particularly when fuelled with alcohol, and nobody wants that at their birthday drinks. But I believe there's a third subject we should also exclude at social gatherings, and that's what people do for a living. It never delivers a positive result.

It starts off the usual, safe way, "So how do you know Jeremy?" "We've recently moved in next door, you?" "We were at university together." A bit boring, but harmless. But this is where you have to be very careful because quickly it can lead you down the route of, "So, what do you do?" Oh, how I dread that question. Why do people go there? A potentially interesting and fun conversation shot dead right there on the spot. The very best conclusion to such an exchange is that you both come away with a rough understanding of what the other does for 40-odd hours a week to meet the mortgage payments, and have made a new business contact (yippee, fun party, huh?!)

But, much, much worse, at the opposite end of the spectrum you find yourself desperately fishing in your panicked yet oddly bored brain for a fascinating response to, "I'm an IT Project Manager" or "I work in accounts and studying for my CIMA." And you, the usually articulate and witty creature that you are, the absolute best you can come up with is, "Really? That sounds so interesting, tell me about it." And, oh God, so it begins. That poor bastard who was so looking forward to a night off has to explain his job to someone whom he highly suspects doesn't give a shit, while you scan the room for bowls of crisps and make all the essential polite noises, and the pair of you jointly and silently pray for something, anything (a birthday stripper, a ground tremour, an excitable dog) to come along and end the excrutiating pain.

As a sidenote, if you meet an Office Manager at a party and end up making her talk about her job (shame on you), PLEASE don't ask her to explain in detail what her company does; it's like a Saturday night showing of Endurance watching her try to recite the corporate brochure after three strawberry daiquiris. She MANAGES the OFFICE. It's an office; they're all the damn same to an Office Manager. What else could you possibly need to know?

So my advice is ask if they've seen the latest blockbuster movie, ask them what they like to do at weekends, ask them what they've done today or are doing tomorrow, what was the last gig they went to or CD they bought, find out about their hobbies and interests, what sports they play or watch, their favourite restaurant or food... And watch their faces light up, see how animated they become. And this way there'll be much less tension, there's a good chance you'll find it interesting, and you'll learn something about the REAL them, and they about you.

Lisa's top ten happy tips

2010-06-25T07:05:00.000-07:00

This is not an extensive list by any means but, when I start to feel blue, this is my checklist. I hope it's useful to you... x

1 Get to bed
You must get enough sleep – without it, everything feels wrong. Aim for at least five sleep cycles per night. A sleep cycle is about 90 minutes, so that’s at least 7.5 hours.

2 Eat your greens
They make you feel - and look - so much better. You need to be having at least three portions of vegetables a day, and at least two portions of fruit. Fruits with happy-inducing stuff are bananas and kiwi fruit. Other happy foods are mung beans, asparagus, pineapple, ginger, lemongrss, spinach, blackberries, soybeans, sunflower seeds and tofu.

3 Go outside
The sunshine gives you vitamin D which helps to make you happy and healthy. You need at least 10 minutes in the sunshine every day. It doesn’t work through your coat so show some skin.

4 Take a hike
Or run, cycle, swim, play on your Wii, get off the bus two stops early… Whatever it takes to get your heart rate up so you’re a bit out of breath, for 15 minutes, three times a week. Exercise releases hormones which improve your mood.

5 Love thy neighbour
Do something nice for someone else (hold the door open for someone, make a colleague a cup of tea, help a harassed mother off the bus with a pram…) without expecting anything in return, just for the joy it gives you to do a selfless act.

6 Take time out
Take 30 minutes every day to completely relax. Read your book, have a bath, listen to some music, go and sit in a coffee shop, go have a massage/manicure… without interruption. Do something relaxing for yourself, on your own, every day.

7 Have a comedy moment
Comedy is a great mood booster, so watch humourous TV, read a funny book, or call/spend time with a friend who makes you laugh; it’ll help to lighten your mood.

8 Love and be loved
Spend some time at least a couple of times a week with people you know love and appreciate you. If you can't be with them, get them on the phone.

9 Appreciate the good stuff
It’s too easy to focus on the bad stuff, so an easy way to focus on the good stuff is to keep a happy book. A small book in which you write three things a day which have gone well, e.g. I got a seat and a Metro on the train, I’m having a good hair day, a friend texted to ask how I am. Doesn’t have to be a lottery win. Try it for a week, you’ll be amazed at your change in perspective.

10 Have a word with yourself
You don’t have to be the best of the best to be wonderful, you’re already wonderful; you’re a special, unique package of all the things that make you YOU. Keep reminding yourself that you deserve to be happy.